I’m so tired I can hardly put two sentences together. So this post will be short. I’ve been working full time (actually more than full time lately). I’m tired, I can’t fit in everything I want to do in life, and writing creatively has suffered. I am counting on this blog for the moment, and some story title ideas, to keep the flame alive.
So many times in my life I’ve said, “I’ll never do this! I’ll never do that!” Then beyond my most stubborn imaginings, the thing I resisted happens. I have strong strong stories about myself. And my stories are hard to let go.
When I was much younger, there was a time in my life when I said vehemently to myself, “I will never be on food stamps.” Karmic slap, or cosmic giggle, or whatever you want to call it, I found myself on food stamps a few years later for a short time. There were lots of mixed feelings about this….shame, the desire to change my situation as quickly as possible, and COMPASSION. Yes, I’d always thought of myself as a compassionate person, and I really tried not to judge others. But it gave me a new level of compassion for others in the same boat when I had to be on the receiving end. As a friend said to me, it is hard to take help. For sure.
The new “never” in my life is a full time job. This is a terrific karmic slap, and I mean that in a good way. I almost have to laugh at myself. For years I pictured myself the independent self employed person (and I still am self employed, over and above the job). I said (vehemently, stubbornly, to myself — are you hearing a pattern here?) — “I will NEVER work for someone else. I’m too weird! I’m too independent. I like to do things my own way too much.” Well, all of that is true. And yet, I have a job. Even more strangely, I LIKE the job, and I like the people in the building. I like my little department and my supervisor. I like the way the company treats its employees.
This job is a refreshing change from the only other bureaucracy I ever worked for, a huge 500-person state agency. This job is part of a growing (80+ staff) health center, and some neat things are happening. It’s an entirely new world for me.
Recently, at an all-staff meeting, I was asked to write my career goals on a card. It was early in the morning and I don’t exactly remember what I wrote, but it was broad, rather than specific. Career and life are very blended for me. I wrote something to the effect of “I want to live, work, and play in the most actualized and compassionate way possible.” That is what I hope to keep being. I hope to never lose what I think is my innate goodness and kindness and integrity. I also wrote, “I want to keep writing books that move people.” My writing is not going away! I have to be more fierce about protecting the time to write.
On that note, I do have a new story out, in a fantastic book that was just released. Check out Rescued Volume II: The Healing Stories of 12 Cats, Through Their Eyes. I also a story in the extremely popular first volume of Rescued. Check them both out!